a haunted site

im alive

Fri, 23 Apr 2021 16:09:24 -0600

YES! i emerge from the garbage heap that is my life to give everyone an update on what is UP!

as i mentioned previously i have started a second job! it's been about a month since i actually started working there, the hiring process itself took a month before that x_x and uhhhhh well, i hate it! the clothes are great, the people i work with are great, and that's about it. i hate the schedule, the stupid headset i have to talk on, the customers, and the environment is way overstimulating. super bright colors and lighting, plus the store is always full of people i do not know which give me lots of anxiety. it's different from being behind a counter where i'm doing my job, the customers stay on the other side of the counter and only come get me when they need something. retail is, you are in the crowd with the customers and you have to convince them to buy stuff by psychoanalyzing them based on what they're holding/picking out & their body language, also they all hate you. the only three words you can ever get anyone to say to you are "i'm just looking" when the big boss wants them to tell you literally ANYTHING else, like idk "oh i'm needing some shorts" "i have an interview coming up" "do you have any bralettes" ANYTHING! ANYTHING AT ALL! even if they are actually looking for something they will look at you and say "i'm just looking" UGHGHRHGRUJGRJRDFVM. FUCK i HAAAAAAAAAAATE IT. also everyone always talks in this fucked up corporate language like im never "doing badly" at something, it's always "an opportunity to do better" no shit, thank you madam girlboss, i am fully aware that i'm capable of doing better, just TELL ME HOW I CAN IMPROVE instead of beating around the bush. if i said or did something wack you have to just tell me wtf. i cant deal i desperately need people to be straightforward with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also i'm convinced the dressing room is actually the first circle of hell because you're surrounded by middle to old age white women with no manners, the music is so loud, you cant hear anyone through the door unless theyre yelling at the top of their lungs, and someone is always talking on the headset which is impossible to hear unless you shove the damn thing into your ear.
AND THE MUSIC. UGHHH OH MY GOD THE MUSIC. it's mostly like... hyper specific indie girl breakup songs, or Independent Women songs that are also christian? sometimes they play Yeah! by Usher for .. whatever reason. not that i'm complaining cuz he's there to usher everyone else back to their seats LOL anyway here are some songs that i've heard them play and really, really hated, wow ive never heard anything that sucks more in my entire life. sorry if you go click those and youre like omg what i love that song! hey. Please listen to literally anything else. i promise your life will improve

i have long suspected that im on the autism spectrum and this job has really showed me the limits of my comfort. i NEED a routine, i can't deal with an irregular schedule. i do not have enough social energy or skills to be able to talk to 2390358304 customers per day and try to make judgements about them?! my whole life i have tried my hardest to mind my fucking BUSINESS and i would like to continue doing that, thank you.

sooo yeah as i write this i'm checking the clock because i have to go to work at 5pm, which is exactly when my wife gets off work and i haven't seen her all day, i will not see her until i come home after 9pm. and i HATE IT! i say this jokingly sometimes but capitalism is homophobic i'm becoming more and more sure of it. we talked about this on her break and i think i might put in my two weeks soon, if she is able to get 35-ish hours consistently, because we really do need more work so we can save... it feels like pure shit to get up at 6am and work without seeing my wife until 9pm and i get less than 30 minutes to sit down ALL DAY because in the hour or two between my jobs i'm cleaning the house and eating and getting changed. makes me suicidal and my body is falling apart <3 thank you capitalism! also havent had much time or energy to do anything i enjoy, when im not working i'm smoking way too much weed to calm down about how much i'm working. sorry for being super depressing i just cannot stress enough how much i hate hate hate this job. i had no idea how miserable i could become simply by working too much. crazy how that works

here is Kissy discovering and investigating a rubber band as i unwrapped my new bong (we broke the last one). see ya!

sophie art and creation

Wed, 10 Mar 2021 18:33:24 -0600

I MISS SOPHIE </3 i can't believe she's really gone. shit breaks my heart, nobody on earth is creating music like hers. nobody! to make music that is so very.. Gender... do you know what i mean..... completely raw and expressive in a way that is uniquely touching, and i can understand and relate to the feelings portrayed in the mixture of harsh, cutting synths and lush atmosphere interwoven. i am trying to create in a way that represents my truest self, to let go of what i think i should do and just do it. to create art for art's sake, experimenting and learning, not trying to replicate exactly what i see or hear in my mind. i hope this will make me more comfortable with creating music, both by myself and with others. i don't expect myself to finish anything without getting a MIDI controller though xD punching in notes manually to be able to hear what something sounds like is awful! doesn't feel natural at all -_- but for now maybe i will make a ringtone or something idk, just trying to become familiar with FL studio and getting used to figuring things out as i go.

i feel starved for inspiration so i've been trying a daily music challenge for the whole month of March, although i only decided to start doing it today. the genres to listen to today were alternative dance and jangle pop, so i picked a random album from each and gave them a listen. i VERY much enjoyed Underwater Moonlight by the Soft Boys (i picked it because the name sounded really funny), it's somewhere in between post punk and pop punk. i enjoyed the production and the musical progressions were very engaging, the lyrics were kinda weird but that's alright, i have definitely heard stranger things. i liked it so much i'm listening to another album by them right now, Invisible Hits! the vocals and lyrics often remind me of Say Anything. for alternative dance i started listening to Twisted Tenderness by Electronic but i had to turn it off a few tracks in, the production was very overwhelming. it felt like nothing and everything was happening all at once, like there were so many parts going on and it felt loud but the songs were also twice as long as they needed to be;; sometimes.. less is more.
of course i am cataloguing my listens on my rym page, probably not everything i listen to is going to be blog post worthy, i just wanted to put it out there for anyone interested in seeing what i've been listening to (-:

maybe soon i will have more to write about, but my life is still on hold, waiting to hear back from a job i've had a few interviews with. ughhhhh it's not going to be pleasant but i just hope the work is tolerable and it won't completely kill me to work two jobs at once. they DO have a policy to schedule everyone off for at least one weekend per month, so hopefully i get sunday-monday completely free of work at least once a month TT_TT fucking HYPED about the employee discount though!!!!!! i think i'll start building a more grunge inspired wardrobe, i do have to wear the company's clothes while i work there so that's my excuse for buying clothes i didn't otherwise need lmfao

speaking of fashion, i had this idea for an outfit that i doodled last night! i need those loose-fit thigh highs... and lately i've been wanting to wear beanies SO BAD because my hair is the perfect length for it right now BUT I DONT OWN A SINGLE BEANIE BECAUSE THEY MAKE MY HAIR FRIZZY OTL i just want to wear something besides a normal hat when i dont wanna fix my hair!!!!! UGH!!! anyway, here is the picture ^_^ \/ PEACE!

yay adult life

Wed, 10 Feb 2021 21:07:24 -0600

HOLY FUCK HOLY SHIT MY VISA GOT GRANTED LITERALLY TWO DAYS AGO SO I CAN GO TO AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!! this means i am trying to get a second job so i can work my ass off for like six months straight in the hopes i can save up 20K to get there ASAP. i have until february 8th of 2022 to get there but OMG 20K IS SO MUCH MONEY. im dying just thinking about it.. no more fun allowed ): it will be worth it in the end but god its going to suck so bad. having money will be nice though and when i get to australia i have to quarantine for two weeks bc covid, it'll be like a vacation LOL

i want to take my cats with me but they are um, 5K each and i have two of them so... 10K. and that's a decent amount of the 20K total i came up with,, everyone is telling me to just leave them but MY CATS ARE WORTH IT! i love them! i am taking them with me! even if they are a little evil sometimes i love them so much.

i have also been playing kingdom hearts lately and streaming to my discord server by pointing my phone at the tv lol, i am trying to practice talking while gaming. it is REALLY HARD. but i want to start streaming asap when i get to australia! practicing streaming is fun, i love kingdom hearts and i've always wanted to get back to playing it. i got it when i was like, 10 it was given to me as a present with the playstation 2, secondhand from my aunt (-: the intro with the simple and clean remix changed my music taste forever. it was too complicated for me to get it when i was younger, and i'm only just now getting familiar with "video game logic" and strategies and stuff because felicity is watching me play too and giving me pointers. RPGs just have so much going on lmao also the controls for playstation 2 games are bizarre to me now, the right joystick doesnt pan the camera around, it's usually delegated to menus. camera panning is with the L and R triggers??? how does that make any sense!!! i guess for a game as combat heavy as KH it makes sense but JEEZ it's a pain. also felicity is so so mad about the way sora jumps SDLFKSJGDMF i know it's not exactly intuitive but i dont mind!! also cloud from final fantasy showed up and tried to kill me idk whats up with that. such is the kingdom hearts experience

well that's about it. just thought i would drop a little life update before i go silent for.. probably months at a time. UGH. i'm just praying the snow hits my town so hard that i have tomorrow off, i would like a few more days of freedom before i go working two jobs at once... -_- my current job closes at 2 and i applied to a clothing store looking for part time workers so i can work there from like 3-8 and that's decent work, i'm hoping they don't put me on EVERY day that would really kill me. i just need like 15 more hours of work! not that much. im gonna set this picture of my cats and my wife as my phone background to remind myself why i'm doing this, like a modern day locket. she worked THREE jobs so she could come visit me in the united states AND walked to each one of them EVERY DAY! i would gladly do the same for her. we are in love

its britney bitch

Tue, 19 Jan 2021 22:05:24 -0600

YOU KNOWWWWWWWWWW I BOUGHT THE JPN EDITION OF BRITNEY SPEARS' 2007 CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED ALBUM BLACKOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUH!!!!!!!! and it came in the mail just the other day!!!!!!!!!!! it has a bunch of "cd time" stickers and matching number stamps on the cd, jacket, and lyrics booklet, so i'm guessing somewhere in japan a cd rental store closed down and ebay sellers went wild buying up cds in bulk to resell them. i wonder who in japan was listening to this very same cd before i was? it plays perfectly, not a single scratch on the disc! there's an external cover over the back & spine (???? not sure what else to call the side part) it has the album name and tracks in japanese! this external cover is a little bit worn but that's fine, i'm gonna keep it on there anyway because it's cool. same with the stickers, usually i peel that stuff off but in this case i like how it's part of the cd's story in its origins and past life, so to speak. its not just a price tag (-: also the booklet doesn't originally come with lyrics in it, that's an addition with the japanese version specifically, it's printed on a completely different sort of paper than the rest of the booklet which is shiny and glossy, the lyrics are just plain paper and they are in english! well half of it is, the other half is in japanese, not sure if theyre translations of lyrics or just song credits in japanese. interestingly, the lyrics are stylized in text lingo, like "muthafuka" and "2" instead of "two/too/to"
i had to get specifically jpn version because it has all the bonus tracks!!!! no way would i get the cd without "get back" and "everybody" wtf... why are those even bonus tracks theyre so good they shouldve been on the album... remove toy soldiers and put get back where it was smfh /:

i have been putting on cds while helping my wife make dinner lately (-: the other night i was grinding bread into breadcrumbs by hand...with a mortar and pestle...by candlelight... an outlet in our living room blew and took all our lights in the kitchen with it AND every outlet in the living room. there is no light in the living room so we were using a floor lamp, but it was plugged in when the outlet blew and it now does nothing it's totally fucked ): so when the sun sets at like 4pm because it's winter we gotta turn on the range hood light and light a bunch of candles so we can see what we're doing in the kitchen. dude it fucking sucks! this is the second time an outlet in our house has blown because the wiring is complete garbage and the breaker box & every outlet in our house needs to be replaced, but of course the landlord is too cheap to do it, so instead we're living in an electrical fire waiting to happen. last time the electrician came he said he was shocked that we didn't die because our house should have caught fire with the way the wires melted apart and very nearly came back into contact with each other. im so mad about it but ANYWAY! listening to music with other people is the best thing ever

in between my music listening habits i finished the third season of disenchanted and i would like to take this opportunity to either join or establish an elfo hate club because i think it is completely necessary. stupid green fucker is the grossest thing in the world and i hate looking at him and his voice and literally everything he does, he never learns anything at all. its like someone extracted the worst essence out of reddit and put it into a piece of broccoli that became so angry and self loathing it willed itself to walk and speak to express its agony. i need it to be known that if i were to be granted the opportunity to punt him into the sunset, i would gladly do so, with my steel toed boots and nothing less. plus he is perfect punting height. besides his unfortunate existence the show is fantastic and i recommend it to anyone who is looking for something to watch! elfo dies once and i was really hoping he would stay dead but alas.. okay imagine if dean winchester had the vocabulary of a 5yr old and was extremely horny all the time for no reason. that's basically elfo. pfffttfttfptpfptfp sorry if i sound super pissed off im taking a weed tolerance break (its legal here dont call the fbi thanks) so every time i feel even the slightest annoyance im like hmm maybe i will commit a crime ^_^ maybe today i will punch a hole in the wall :P and then im like wait i cant do that, then i have to fix it and my landlord will kill me. if i could even manage to get through the wall, probably the wall would punch me back and i would cry about it. i still hate that little green bitch tho

SOON i will be updating my cds page and hopefully get to work on my library page again AUGH T_T i have been caught up with work and my visa applicaiton is finally moving along! so i had to put that at the top of my priorities list. pro tip, if you are ever trying to fill out government forms, make sure they have the current date on them, it's usually really small and at the bottom where you wouldn't notice it. that way you don't spend hours and hours filling out a form from 2007 when you need the form for this year, you know, 2021. it will save you so much time ha ha ha life is pain

OH ALSO! VERY IMPORTANT! I GOT A CRT TV <3 <3 <3456 I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! i got a HDMI to RCA converter and have been playing ACNH on it and it's so awesome!!!!!!!!!! the aspect ratio is wrong so it's kinda squished but i do not care, and after an hour of playing i stopped noticing it altogether. i love the sound it makes when it turns on and it is so large and the screen is round like a friend (-: my cats love sitting on top of it and staring at us lol they lean over and paw at the screen while we're doing stuff (-: i also got new gamecube and ps2 memory cards so i can start playing LOZ & KH again! now when i say "again" i mean i tried my hand at the beginning of the games as a child and found it more enjoyable to just splash around wherever there's water and play minigames, but i would like to beat a LOZ game all by myself for sure. i know i can do it! i watched my younger brother play through twilight princess and wind waker, i LOVE those games they are just so gorgeous!!!!! i wanna be a gamer.. i would like to play Vibeo Game and maybe now that i have a CRT i will actually do it!!!!!!!! but for now... i sleep o[rz] <-- me sleeping under da covers

before you go i humbly ask that you view this 1min and 14sec video of Chris Fleming playing Sufjan Stevens in "Sufjan Stevens startled by Kate Bush" because i am thinking about it at every hour of the day at all times. lovez ya!

cds omg

Fri, 08 Jan 2021 22:53:24 -0600

IM GOING CRAZY ABOUT MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!! i keep Buying CDS and losing my mind about them. i finished my cds page in its entirety actually.. i might make a little graphic to go at the top but other than that it is done! i literally chugged 3 cans of mountain dew and then proceeded to slap this out in its entirety in a single day. i haven't added Blackout by Britney Spears because i ordered it just a few hours ago . i am obsessed at the moment. specifically i got the japanese version for all the bonus tracks ^^"

also new is a mix currently featured on my living room page! here is a direct link to the mix! the tracklist is:
1. Anything For You / Evanescence
2. Tension / Korn
3. i wud never stop u / 100 Gecs
4. Freakshow / Britney Spears
5. Ponyboy / SOPHIE
6. Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom / Farrah Abraham

i LOVE making playlists connecting songs that don't seem related at all. literally all day at work today i just kept thinking about the strange similarities Freakshow has to so many other songs i listened to before, which is why it's at the heart of this playlist. i thought Surely there is a reason why i suddenly like britney spears so much. and you know what!!! i was right!
my living room page is complete, but i want to have my entire 'house' constructed before i open up the index page to it. my next project is the library, which is currently under construction, i have a shit ton of graphics to draw for it unless i figure out something simpler .-. also i want to make a page for archiving all the playlists i make! BUT before i do all of that, i have a huge laundry list of other shit i have to do Dx like redoing my graphics and live2d model because i want to give my sona a different haircut. it will definitely look beter and i will like it so much more but fuck, i cannot express how much i do not want to do this. the amount of effort this will take me is just ridiculous. i have to sink a bunch of time into giving the Australian Government more information about me because i am in the middle of applying for a visa and didn't see that they emailed me at the beginning of december until literally the fucking day after christmas. you know. at the END of december. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

pausing this blogs post to see if i can quickly color in this sketch i have of the new hairdo

and there it is!!!!

happy new year

Thu, 31 Dec 2020 22:21:24 -0600

for this new year i had TWO people over, my friend and his new boyfriend! while i was waiting for them to arrive i listened to the two cds i got yesterday at a local record store! i got Superstition by Siouxsie and the Banshees, and Karmacode by Lacuna Coil. the lacuna coil album has a mini poster in it, and i want to put it up SOOO bad, but i know my cats will put their claws in it )-: theyre really good albums!!! i was finishing the lacuna coil album when they came over, so i kept playing cds in the background, starting with the Best of the Commodores (i got it for secret santa the other day lol), then Fearless by Taylor Swift, and Now 29. and you know what. theyre fantastic albums to this day and i enjoy listening to them. it was so awesome to listen to music with other people thats like my favorite part of music actualy

i took felicity to the record store with me and it was really funny to watch her point out bands that she recognized because she doesn't really "get" music, so she ends up pointing and saying "R.E.M. that is a band" yes babe that is a band you're doing a great job
they had a loooot of stuff that i wanted, but i wanted the most cds i could get, and my budget was $18 in cash so i ended up getting two $7.99 albums, and this time i was specifically seeking out music that i knew i enjoyed to add it to my cd collection, not just buying a random one to see what it's like. there were a LOT of 99 cent CDs that i could've picked up if i was doing that xD turns out the entire deftones discography is still $15-20 per cd, which i mean that's fair they're really good albums. i forgot how expensives cds can be when theyre valued properly ^^" i want to get all the early lacuna coil cds, and system of a down, also mcr... i might get siouxsie on tapes if i can find them, i do have a tape player! some day i will own an origin cd and i dont care if it is a bootleg or genuine, i just know im not paying $500 for the original on ebay if the bootleg is literally almost the same in every way. in fact it's so difficult to distinguish them that people have bought "bootleg" copies that turned out to be genuine. its not like buying a coach purse vs a goach purse it's pretty much the same thing. ANYWAY, also i need mammoth weed wizard bastard cd. it's like metal but for relaxation, for when you need to unwind but dont ever want to stop going hard. its literally perfect vibing music for any situation

i tihnk soon i will make a page of my CD collection with pictures and the story behind where i got each CD... it means a lot to me (": HOW you get the cd matters as much as what's on the cd itself!!! " i got this on a school field trip" vs "i bought this off amazon because i had some extra money" is totally different, buying a cd off amazon because i feel like it .. that feels like cheating somehow. like im beating the system, but in a bad way.

i am typing because i have so many thoughts about cds and music and its experience also because it is new year and im trying really hard to stay awake until midnight, we are going to open a bottle of spumante when its midnight! we also made a bunch of mini homemade pizzas and they were delicious (-: i love my wife
happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

drained [poem]

Mon, 28 Dec 2020 22:15:24 -0600

you dream from your lungs
and breathe with your heart
empty your eyes
your mind sees everything
i can't escape
your fatal embrace
my life, your death
we dance upon the edge

just scrape the skin
don't be ashamed
i love you this way

don't despair
i know you're there
in all my thoughts
where only you can reach
take me in
take everything
take every breath i have away from me

just scrape the skin
don't be ashamed
i love you this way
deliver me our sacrifice
i'm not afraid

website button and rss

Sun, 27 Dec 2020 21:25:24 -0600

YES!!! MY WEBSITE BUTTON IS DONE!!! IT'S HERE!!! FINALLY!!!
take a motherfucking gander at this 88x31 beauty!!!!!! i made three other buttons before i was finally satisfied with this one and i have done nothing but make buttons for the past two days lmfao

wow!!!!!!!1 sugoi!!!!!! it has been such a LONG time since i made a website button, i had to remember how they work lol even though it's difficult and time consuming it's still a lot of fun! here's a few others i made in the past! im missing two buttons that i made upwards of 3 years ago, i have no idea where they are but i am searching for them. if i find them i will include them here later!!!

i might fuck around and make a tutorial on how to make these. i love any excuse to press record and start talking lmfao but also i've seen a lot of people say they wish they could make one or ask someone to do it for them?? you can just make one!!!!! its not even that hard i promise!!!! the only reason i spent so long on mine was because i couldnt decide on a concept i liked and that is really the only thing you need to make a button! you have an idea? you have a computer with internet connection? go to photopea dot com, get yourself a 88x31 canvas, and go crazy!!! i mean shit you could probably even do one in microsoft paint, but i prefer photopea for the layers, makes it easier to do animation. you know what yeah i will do a tutorial, that is how i will spend my new years eve time off.

also i am very happy to say that my rss feed WORKS PERFECTLY!!!!!!! i thought it would be super complicated but it wasnt at all!!!! i didnt know what rss was until a few days ago and now im wondering why more people dont use it! i followed a bunch of people on neocities but idk if i will ever know when their website updates just because the activity feed isn't exactly the greatest at showing Important updates, you know? like if a website updates it could be someone centering an image or it could be 10 new blog posts that i have missed. i wouldnt know! but when i see in my rss feed that theres a new article i havent read then i know its important and then i read it! woah! it's especially helpful on platforms like neocities where there's not really any interface to give you notifications the way we're used to. no i will not remember to check through my bookmarks to see if someone has updated their blog, i would like to remember but i know that i will not.

well that is all for today. all my blog posts have been kinda short and scatterbrained but i'm hoping they will get longer and more cohesive as i continue to Blog ^_^ goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive had way too much caffeine

Fri, 25 Dec 2020 00:21:24 -0600

if i continue to drink mountain dew i will probably just become a can. or a mountain.
wow!!! christmas!!!!! i got uhhh weed (legal), a huge fluffy black robe, candle, and a back stretcher thingy that im supposed to lay on. i spent like four hours watching christmas movies with my parents and then we went home and now i am here on my computer at midnight. i drank more soda to motivate myself to finish the laundry - which I DID, BTW! I DID IT! - but the way caffeine affects me after like 2pm is.. Not Good. i feel like i could fight anybody in the universe but i dont have the brainpower to fix the webpage i have been working on for the past three days ):< why wont my buttons just be buttons... if they are buttons why cant i Click Them... what the HELL!!!!!! rgghhgrg... i guess i might have to find another solution but this was the best one i could find ): idk what else to do! in a previous iteration of my index page i had a hidden button which was clickable and would show/hide a div, but i never could get it to appear in the center of the webpage, it would always be weird and unformatted off to the left. maybe i am just cursed or something idkkk im a little peanut brain ;-; bonk

i had veeeery lofty ambitious goals for my website... i had to accept that it was simply not going to happen unless i learned SO much javascript, there is no other way to format a webpage the way a flash game would work. and that sucks ): but i think i will make something just as good. certainly it wont have the point-and-click feel to it but it will still have an element of exploration, and i think that's what matters. i was going to have my background images be overlaid with invisible buttons that would cover an area of the image so it was like you were clicking on the object in the background. e.g. an invisible box overlaying a door, click on the box and the link will take you to the next room, as if you clicked on the door and walked through it. but let me tell you it is just too much!!!!! idk about any of that lol!

speaking of Things I Dont Know, i created an RSS feed for my blog! and i have no idea how to use it! i will try just pasting my blog post into it and see what happens. i have myself added on a reader so i can see if it actually works xD i wanna start using RSS and follow more blogs it seems cool! plus i literally never check my email and there is really no other way to receive blog updates on websites you havent signed up for. if you are reading this and you have a blog pls comment below how i can follow it!!! i want to make friends with people here if i can :-)

umm i also have a website button in the making! when i finish it i'll put it on the main page of my blog ^_^
i love working on my site, im gonna be really sad when xmas break is over and i have to go back to working all the damn time /: callout for work: sucks, is too long, makes no money. i could be at home doing things i like but No the Capitalism Machine needs to be fed and i am just a tiny grain of seed. in the meantime here is the (scaled down) background image from my page thats in progress !!!

Click for full res!