i'm having a difficult time staying alive right now, my cat thinks it's attention time because i stood up from my chair to hit the bong so she scratches the trim to get my attention and my instinct is to yell "STOP" and then i end up choking to death on smoke. PLEASE pray for me and make me more powerful

last night i ended up watching the entirety of this youtube video, a 2hr 30min video essay about Inside by Bo Burnham. it's one hell of a video, touching on topics like transhumanism, the modern horrors of late stage capitalism, and uh, just about everything else.
i'm stuck on the proposition, "we are already cyborgs, living inside the internet, through our phones; it doesn't have to be a chip implanted in your brain." that is paraphrased btw. this absolutely struck me! i have always felt that i lived here, that these online spaces were my homes, and here i am literally in my home on the internet. and he just put it into words like that! and it's true, we do live our lives through the internet now. as much as i don't like twitter, if i deleted it, i would NEVER know what's going on. i found out about the mask mandate returning in my state through the twitter trending page, and it had a wealth of information. i simply do not watch the news! it doesn't matter anymore! i trust information more this way, where i can easily see and research the sources, so i can know if i'm being told the truth or not. news from the people is more important than anything corporate owned news channels have to say. just moments after i saw the mask mandate trending, my boss looked at her smart watch and said "facebook says the mask mandate is back!" i will see my wife when i get home, yet i am messaging her on discord throughout the day whenever i can. aaaaahhhh!!!!! i live in the digital age!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know if that's good or bad!!!!!!!

i spent the earlier part of my day at work being deeply upset, frequently hiding around corners and going to the bathroom to tweet about why i was upset, because if i had to hold it in i would literally explode into tears. then i spent the rest of the day anxiously checking my phone, hoping to see someone respond to me so i wasn't screaming into the void. not until i clocked out and went home did anyone respond, and for some reason that upset me even further. then i realized, hey, this is not normal! wait, yes it is. LOTS of people do this. because we live on the internet, and this is real to us. it's kind of painful and embarrassing to talk about and admit to, because "haha it's just the internet" - to some extent, yeah, it is just the internet. although, it is difficult to deny the very real way in which it's changed the way we socialize as a society. everyone is online now,to the point that the POTUS account on twitter is always passed on to the next president. my younger cousins ask me if i have snapchat instead of asking for my phone number, because that's how they keep in touch with people. when i move overseas, i will have to figure out a way to speak to my entire family online, keeping in mind their varying degrees of technical knowledge. ugh! i will cross that bridge when i burn it, or something like that.

anyway, this video struck me on a deep and personal level, brought up lots of my fears and anxieties, and made me think about an uncomfortable amount of things. it's extremely long but incredibly worth it, i somehow learned a lot about myself while learning about Bo Burnham, and CJ has SO MUCH to add to the conversation presented in Burnham's work.

website related stuff, i updated my cds page and added a wonderful sound byte into one of the descriptions. ;D SOON i will be able to continue working on artwork and building my house! i will also have the opportunity to work on remodeling the house i'll be staying in when i move hahaha, just assisting but at least i am there to decide what gets done :D YAY! I WILL BE FREE OF THIS HELLHOLE! i leave you with lick icon i made the other day lol, this was so easy pls do it. just do the frames in mspaint, crop them all to the same size, upload to ezgif and u will be able to time delays that will give u decent movement. thats what i did at least idk if thers an easier way, tutorial over, thanks for the read ^__^